4/19/2006
Welcome to the real suck!
American Soldier says,
Where does one begin to recoup from a war? So many people say that by going to a counselor and talking about it that you will be ok.
“It’s going to take time.”
I cannot put it all into words. I am having trouble with normalcy. I try very hard to occupy myself. Heck I even got myself a few hobbies now. However, I feel out of place. I have flashbacks and can’t sleep at night. When I finally get to sleep I am immersed in a nightmare. The memory’s of the environment that nearly killed me more than once haunts me now that I am home and safe. The nights are the worst for me. I am alone and who can I really talk to when its 2am and I’m wide awake? I mean I could wake my wife up but it’s not fair to her if I did this every night. So I just waste away afraid to go to sleep.
What in the hell did I do to deserve this? I nearly died for my country and I’m left to endure this post traumatic stress disorder. I am stronger than this but I cannot defeat it, there is not operation order for this.
Some of the things that suck are as simple as leaving my house. Why? I feel like I might get blown apart from an incoming mortar round. All stemming from when I was in Iraq and the constant incoming we would receive. Going to take a shower was dangerous. And yes, people did get killed while taking showers from incoming.
I wrote the following song not long after I got there. It was written just after a mission and while we were receiving incoming. I found out later that someone was killed after the barrage. This was for my wife.
As I sit to write this letter
I just settled in from a day of missions
I lay my weapon down and incoming comes in
The distinguished sound of the thud
That one was to close to call
I take off my gear and sit on down
I pick up my pen to write you a letterAs I sit to write this
The incoming is all around
The outgoing begins its barrage
Oh the distinguished sound of our counter fireI wish I could hold you close
You are my inspiration, you keep me going
Any moment that incoming could be closer than before
I close my eyes and think of the sound of your voice
Rather than the boom that just landed nearAs I sit to write this
The incoming is all around
The outgoing continues its barrage
Oh the distinguished sound of our counter fireNow the order for us to go is given
I put my gear back on and grab my weapon
Everyone gives that look of reassurance
I get in my vehicle and its another day in this warAll this as I sit and write this letter
No different than before
Except this letter that I intended
Just ends with a little more© American Soldier 2006
I am 7000 miles away from the war and I have fears of something that will not happen. My mind seems to think otherwise. I keep looking for that IED on the side of the road. I hear noises and I get the rush of adrenaline. Crowded areas get me anxious and I can’t be close to people. I don’t want people to come near me. I know that if I get angry that I might kick it up a notch so I avoid ALL conflicts as much as possible.
All of this a result of doing what I did for our country. I wish I could just forget it all but that would be a disservice to all that I served with and lost while there. Now for once, I am feeling a bit defeated. I am nearing a rough and hard point in this process.
I want to write about all that happened but I just don’t know how to formulate the words. How can I begin to describe it? Time will only tell and that is the kicker, time is all I got.
Images from PicassoMio
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75 Responses to “Welcome to the real suck!”
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Wish I could fix things, but of course I can’t. Just know that you have people out here who love you and are here for you always. You are in my prayers. God is there, AS, even at 2am, and His arms are strong. Keep hanging on tight and you’ll come out on the light side again. I will always be grateful for what you’ve given to keep us free. Thank You. ((hugs))
I hope writing to us all helps some. We have your back AS. We are praying for you. It does take time for the mind to process trauma, and it seems weird because most times it waits till you are safe to do it. I know this might sound strange, but what you eat and drink can sometime help (or hurt) the healing. Keep doing the things you know are the right things to do, and trust in God.
You are an amazing man! You are walking thru fire right now, and you will get to the other side. America is so blessed to have you. Not many have been through what you have. God bless you and your wife. Thank you for all you have done for us. There are no words adequate to express my gratitude.
Donna
I hope you take some comfort in knowing that there are a lot of people out there that are behind you and pray for your soul to heal. Although you are not able to reach out and touch them and will probably never meet any of them, they pray for you.
What can I say, that has not already been said? I do believe God can heal all and you and yours are in my prayers. I also believe that you will come thru this with a soul that is so much deeper than most who walk among us. To have been branished by the spoils of war leaves no one untouched. Some are touched to even deeper levels and you are one of those. Yeah-hearing it takes time is a bummer word, but it is true. The heart and spirit are resilient.
To say there are many who are so thankful for all you and those who serve do, seems insignificant at best. May your healing come in gentle waves and surprise you in it’s fulness of time. Till then know you are carried daily in many prayers and thoughts. Take Care AM and know we have your back!
I am sorry for all you are going though. I just hope that by talking about it to us or to someone else it will help to make things easier! my fiancé had PTSD too when he got back, and i thank God everyday that he was able to overcome it, and you will to, unfortunetly it just takes time. i will be praying for you and your wife!
Dear AS,
Of course you do not deserve what you are experiencing. It is part of the sacrifice we offer to defend our wives, children, friends and the helpless ones in the AOR. Sadly, the emotional anguish is the hidden wound, and usually hurts more than a lost limb. It does not have to be debilitating, however. There is recovery but it is painful. When you go through physical therapy, most of it is frustrating and all of it is painful, but after a bit you begin to see progress. The same is true in our emotional recovery from the combat zone. Some of the memories hurt, A LOT. Our reactions frustrate us when we just want to get back to “normal”. They DO subside, though. It just takes time. The nightmares are another story and they will take a bit of debriefing before they subside.
Your unit should have already required you and others who redeployed with you to attend a small group Critical Incident Stress Debriefing with a CISM trained Counselor and a CISM trained Chaplain. A lot of guys typically treat these as one of those “touchy feely” tickets to punch on the way home from the AOR, but this can REALLY make a difference. For one thing, it gets you back in the loop. We FIGHT along side our buddies, we SUFFER with our buddies and we RECOVER with our buddies. They need you for their recovery just as you need them. Who do you call at 0200? YOUR BROTHER IN ARMS! Any fellow combat vet, or for that matter your Chaplain, considers it an honor to talk, even when you think it would be a hassle. Who else is there at 0200 besides your wife? Consider the gentle presence of the living God.
He grieves for what you have seen and experienced. He forgives you for ALL that you are disappointed about. His love is BIGGER than the terrible things we have seen and experienced. This world is MESSED UP, that’s why there is Heaven for the life to come. Part of my job as a Chaplain is to help foks connect with God’s heavenly love even in this messed up world.
Where is God when the kid gets shot? He is giving YOU and your brothers strength to go after the bad guys and protect the rest of that family. Where is God when your friends get shot? He is giving you and your buddies the strength to win the firefight and secure the scene with the honor worthy of those who were hit. Where is God in this war? He is using all of us to BREAK the DEMONIC MADNESS that has enslaved the Iraqi people through terror. He is using US to keep that madness from touching OUR shores and OUR families. Where is God when the flashbacks and nightmares come? He is giving your wife the courage and patience to understand, He is in your brother in arms who will listen at 0200, He is even with you to hear your prayers at 0200. He is even behind your PAYCHECK that takes care of your family’s needs. What an amazing God we have!
Anyway, I hope this helps. Feel free to touch base with me on any of this stuff. If you are ever in California I would GLADLY chase you down and buy you a pizza!
Blessings,
Fr. Wes
It just starts with one word, no rhyme or reason, just write what you feel rant, vent, do whatever. You’ll discover your own pace on what you want to discover & confront. What do you want from your memories/experiences …. become a better person as a result? Use whatever end goal you set for yourself, remind yourself daily what you want to achieve & slowly you will find a way to deal with what you have too. Sharing with your family & by letting them share this rediscovery of yourself is bound to help too. Just some rambling from a person who has different ghosts.
{{{HUGS}}}
Thank you for this post, A.S…. my thought would be, at 2:00 a.m. when you can’t sleep, write (that’s what I do a lot). Don’t worry about if it makes sense or sounds good or whatever… just throw it all down on paper as best you can. I know there are many things that cannot ever be articulated, much less “explained” ~ but don’t worry about all that - just write for yourself adn no-one else….
Thank you, so so much for this post — it helps us to kind of see what you are going thru - and therefore, can help us know a bit about what any soldiers we know may be going thru… you are still serving your country well, A.S., by sharing this with us, so that we, in turn, can “be there” for our veterans as they return home.
Know that we are here for you 24/7/365 — we got you & your wonderful family covered in prayer and surrounded with good thoughts. We supported you “then” and we’ll support you “now” and as long as you need us, we’ll be here.
Sharing with your avid readers will help some. Maybe Soldiers’ Angels should start a new team, PTSDS team, and have those who have been through write and e-mail each other. For me I have not been in a war zone, but I have lived through domestic violence because of alcholism and suffer from some form of post traumatic stress. Others do say that it will be ok soon, but I still have nightmares that my ex-husband is coming back to hurt my daughter and I. So, I do know what it is like to have an anxiety attack and to always looking in the rear view and over my shoulder. Please know that you and all of the soldiers continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone at Soldiers’ Angels thinks of you too. Take care
Yeah, it sucks. And it’s sucked for soldiers in every war there’s ever been. Since long before anyone invented the term PTSD for it. In the past soldiers would get together with other soldiers - the only people who could truly understand - get a whole bunch of ‘abnormal’ people together and they can feel ‘normal’ for a while. Think VFW etc. Most find ways to cope until time diminishes the intensity (an uncle went across North Africa, up Italy and through Germany and the ‘feelings’ never went completely away, but they did diminish to just an occassional ‘annoyance’.) My only advice is ‘ask for help’ - God, counselors, peers, friends, family, and especially your wife; dump anything on them, wake them up, etc. They won’t mind. They probably feel guilty about not doing enough as it is (I know I do.)
The only thing I can say is… Thank you.
Thank you for everything you went through, and thank you for everything you are continuing to go through. I am forever in your debt.
God bless you!
AS,
It’s been 7 1/2 months since Katrina hit where I live. I know what I went through is not even close to what you went through. But me, and a lot of others are suffering from a form PTSD. The way the wind howls a certain way can bring back the memories in a flash. Seeing something that you aren’t prepared for does the same. Dealing with the destruction every single day and trying to maintain some sort of sanity while everything is rebuilt. That feeling of aniexty, anger, and fear comes rushing back.
I wrote about Katrina incessantly. Some I posted, most I did not. I read my Bible. I talked to others who shared the same experience and have felt the same things. Healing does take place but it is slow.
I appreciate very much what you did for our country. The word thanks is so inadequate.
It pains me to know that you are suffering. Talk to others who have gone through the same thing. Write down what you are feeling. If you haven’t already, let your wife know what you about waking up at 2:00am. I think she, above all others will help your healing the most.
I haven’t looked at the picture of the couple holding hands in a couple of weeks but the image is crystal clear. Together, you will get through this.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers. May G-d’s love surround you.
A.S. - I’m relatively new to your site, especially posting a comment.
First - thank you for your service and your dedication to the ideals that mean you are American. It’s not just a place to live, it’s a concept - being American is hard work but rewarding in every way.
Second - I’ve been thru PTSD, not as a result of war, but as a result of the depraved actions of one individual. The first and most important step to recovery is what you’ve already done - recognized it’s there and sought help. Everything else will fall into place in time. It’s been over 10 years since my experiences and I still have certain feelings that I now know will never truly leave me. But I’ve made peace with all of it, including those feelings, and they no longer rule my life in any way.
I know the words “in time” don’t help you in the here and now, but they will. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, every day - focus on the immediate and try not to look too far into the future, for now.
A grateful nation stands behind you.
A.S.
i am sorry you are in this space. i too suffer from ptsd, not from iraq but ptsd nonetheless. it sucks, it is horrible, and it feels a cruel joke. but, it gets better. it does with time and more time, patience and more patience. good luck. my thoughts are with you.
Where does one begin to recoup from a war?
Hang tough, brother. There are countless people covering your six for you now, and there are a lot of people who can help you get through this.
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[…] He’s having a tough time of his recovery. He starts this post by asking, “Where does one begin to recoup from a war?” I cannot put it all into words. I am having trouble with normalcy… […]
Web Reconnaissance for 04/20/2006
A short recon of whats out there that might draw your attention.
First I would ask you to accept that what you’re experiencing is normal. You survived in large part because, in an environment where any “weakness” or vulnerability could have gotten you killed, you became very good at your job. Normal people don’t then get on a plane, fly home, hug their wives and kids, and immediately get on with their lives as though nothing had happened.
Your experiences will be with you for the rest of your life. Your mission now is to accept that all of that happened… the good and the bad… and to find a way past that to the way you want things to be, and with the same commitment because your life depends on it. It will go a lot smoother if you can find a good counselor.
I know it isn’t much, but know that lots of us out here appreciate what you endured and are enduring. It’s a debt that can never be repaid.
My heart goes out to you, AS, along with my prayers. Prayers do help but if there are some of your buddies that are close, sitting down with a couple of them and talking about your experiences might help. ALso a counselor could probably help you but you might have to go through 2 or 3 before you find one you are comfortable with. But please don’t despair, you are not alone. Everyone who has been in combat goes through some sort of stress symptoms. I remember one of our friends diving for the ground every time he heard a sudden noise for years after he came back from Nam. He would always get up laughing but I’m sure it was from relief as well as embarrassment. I hope and pray you find some relief. Maybe you should try yoga. I have heard that if it is done correctly it helps a lot. I will keep you in my prayers. May God bless you and heal you.
Moe
all this from two months? wow, I spent 13 months in Ramadi on the ground and don’t have half the issues you seem to have.
I have no advice, but I do have thanks. Thank you for your service. Best wishes for a quick return to peacefulness.
It takes a while to recover. At night I would waking in a sweat screaming. Keeping a journal helped, I would wake and just write everything down; how I felt, what I remembered, what I did.
The wife helped more than anything. Explain how you feel so she will understand what is going on. She probably doesn’t understand how bad you feel or what you need her to do. Don’t cut her out when you need her the most.
While I can’t begin to understand the emotions you are experiencing, I add my fervent thanks to everyone else here. I am very thankful every day for your sacrifices (and I include your family as well), so I can only offer my hopes that some of the tips from the war-fighters help you to calm the stresses.
Todd - 13 Months in Ramadi, good for you! What unit were you with and when? I guess you were outside the wire and in sector every single day? Please tell me you weren’t a fobbit? I know people who been to Iraq and spent it at certain FOBs and never once got incoming, shot at, blown up, etc, etc. And they thought it was a vacation.
If you were there for 13 months then you did a complete tour. You obvious never got wounded. So you wouldn’t begin to understand what it’s like to have your world around you explode from an IED? Maybe you did get the chance but you didn’t actually get wounded. Big difference and really changes things within.
You see Todd, not everybodys experience is the same. You don’t know my job or where I was. However, tread carefully if you come here to degrade my healing process. I wouldn’t expect you to be any type of ‘good’ leader if you just tell your soldiers to get over it and drive on. That creates a stigma for people how actually need the help. What next, you going to call me a pussy because I have these feelings?
Hi, Im sure that with all the message you have gotten, you may not have time for mine.. I just wanted to let you know that your in my prayers. My dad was in the army for 20 years, so i can slightly see and understand what your talking about. i would always hear my dady walking around the house at 3am. then having to get up at 4 am, only to go back to base and work after coming back from iraq. back then, when it happened, i didnt know what to think, espcially since my mom had just died. i was 10 then, Now i am 24. i have graduated college and going to grad school.. yet i dont feel as if i really accomplished anything. sometimes i feel like i should be out there, but due to my feelings for the military and what they did to my family…. holding a grudge for what the military did 14 years ago, i just cant get myself to go out there. I would like to thank you for who you are. you are a hero in every way. i wish i was half the man that you are. i know that God works in mysterious ways and that he doesnt put a mountain in your way that you cant climb. i know you will defeat this war.. although in your mind it seems that you might be losing. in this crazy world, it seems that the only sane thing that we have is the love of our family, so the best thing to do is surround yourself with family. eventually, your mind will realize that you no longer have to worry about these IEDs.
Mr. A.S., Thank you for continuing to allow the generally public to experience and understand what a true hero works for and experiences from start to finish. You are touching so many lives and opening the minds of many and in doing so, your bravely putting your life experience out for everyone to read your helping yourself, your family, and your fellows soliders. You truly are one brave and incredible man. People like Tod are small minded and as you say not a leader to tear someone else down in their own home….just because he has male anatomy THAT does not make him a man. This blog is YOUR home and you have done much good in raising awareness for the soldier on the ground, the families left behind, the soldiers returning home. God Bless and thank you for all that you represent.
I am thankful for the great men like yourself.
God Bless you and your family.
Next time you have troubles sleeping, please reconsider waking the wife. She has every right to know what is happening to her husband and I’m quite certain from what I’ve read in her posts, she’d want to know and support you. Her brave, positive comfort and support are not only for when you are on the battlefield, but also when you are lying there next to her with thoughts and fears. Just because you are home doesn’t mean that her care, concern, compassion and most of all, love is somehow set back a few notches. If you don’t share with her now…unconsiously you will be cutting her out of a very important part of your lives. Remember, this affects her as well. When my fiance suffers an attack of the 4am demons, I want to know so that not only can I reafirm that he is indeed alive and safe, but that I am willing to go through anything with him…he is not alone.
God Bless ~ Mary Ellen
AS, I realize it is hard for us who have never experienced the sites and sounds that you did, to understand what you are experiencing. Those who have never experienced combat can not understand totally what all is happening.
At least, there is help available, and I will keep praying for you and your wife during this time. However, your wife might surprise you when it comes to waking up and helping you during the night.
But writing this blog might help the rest understand the pain and stress you are experiencing, and give us an idea of what it is like for our warriors who return. Wish there was more I could do to help you during this time of testing. We who are back in this country, need to be there for those who come back. Physical wounds can heal alot quicker than mental wounds. The later takes a lot more time, and it greatly helps when we realize we may not understand what you are going through, but we are here neverthe less. Just wish there was more we could do…
David said: “We who are back in this country, need to be there for those who come back.”
AMEN TO THAT. I agree absolutley.
“….it greatly helps when we realize we may not understand what you are going through, but we are here neverthe less.”
Ditto!
“Just wish there was more we could do…”
Double ditto.
Hang in there - you have our unconditional support and prayer - always.
Proper lashing of Todd, American Soldier. I read his post and was about to launch into him myself, but…there you were! Todd obviously has some pretty serious issues of his own. Denial is not pretty, and I hope he does get help. His experiences, whatever they were, seem to have made him very arrogant and callous. I hope for his sake, he sees that something is very wrong inside.
Take care and God bless,
Donna
Well I call bullshit on his 13 month deployment to Ramadi. In all the time I have had this blog, I’ve never had a soldier act like that to me, a fellow soldier.
AS, you are doing the right thing by sharing here what you feel. I have PTSD. It is not important that what you write makes sense. It is only important that you write. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Just write. After seeing your pictures I have another suggestion that worked for me. Bear in mind I have never had any lessons. And, this idea may not work for you but I suspect it will after all the time I’ve been reading your blog.
I started drawing with a large double ended felt tip that had a small tip on one end and a large tip on the other. I got a large pack of paper like you put on easels, news print is cheap and great, and put it on an easel and did just “sketch” type things first. To break the ice in my brain, I did some silly drawing like you did as a kid in grade school. Then I progressed into where ever my mind and hand took me.
I also got some “Pentel” oil pastels and a drawing pad with paper for pastels and started drawing with them. That brand is very cheap. You don’t worry about perfection. There is also some blothing [not a lot]. That’s normal. Once somewhat finished, I took my fingers and started blending edges and then the inner portion of the drawing. As you start the blending you will discover what blending effect you want.
For where you are right now, get lots of red, light and dark blue, purple, green, and black besides the regular colors inside at least a 25 piece pack! At home you can use larger paper pads. I take mine with me at times every where I go. When I feel the flashbacks coming I draw. You draw what you feel. The pictures will probably still be battle scenes or military oriented. But don’t draw for perfection of the scene. DRAW WHAT YOU FEEL.
You don’t need to decide gosh what should I paint now or what am I feeling so I can start drawing. Just do the kiddie type first to get going then you will just slip into it.
Now, you will not always be able to do this right away at times, especially now. Right now you need to think of something small that fits in your pocket. It can be any thing. But. it is better if it has some meaning. Heck it can be a rocki or coin for that matter. What is important is when the attacks start “you can put you hand in your pocket and hold the object tight and just keep telling your self your name, and address, or rank and serial number, and “I am going to be ok because this is not happening now!” Once the flashbacks start to subside, then that’s when I draw like crazy.
Also keep a journal that no one reads unless you let them, and write “whatever” comes to mind. Be careful here! If you write too long in a sitting you can actually cause the flashbacks. About 15 or 20 minutes are an average. What you write here is about the war, the flashbacks, your anger, pain, whayever. Especially things hard to tell anyone. But again, whatever comes to mind. Don’t try to write like you’re doing a paper to turn in.
Everytime you felt fear, anger, hatred, frustration, hopelessness, these are the things that will be in this journal. For instance, the terrorist who set off the IED, you probably wished you could grab him or her by their scrawny neck asnd choke the living %$^%& out of him as you told him how he scared you, was a coward, etc. and you watched his beady little eyes start tio bulge. I think you get my drift, it’s the anger, rage, and fear that needs to be ventilated. You couldn’t say it to the attacker, you didn’t even have time to think about it before. Now along with the flashbacks it comes out and can feel all consuming.
Get a 1 or 5 lb. bag of nails and some scrap wood. Beat the nails into the wood as often during the day as you feel the need and can do so.This is very good especially for men to help release some of the rage and anger you feel. This is very important as it helps keep the anger and rage from feeding into deeper depression.
There is a period of “no feelings.” Like you are just empty. No feelings at all, just mechanical. This is one of the most crucial times to have help because suicide is high at this time. IT IS A NORMAL part of the recovery from the depression for most people to varying degrees.
I cannot stress enough that you talk to your wife. Let her hold you and sometimes cuddle you like one of your kids sometimes, especially at night. Tell her when you feel afraid. On your better days and times, let her do the same with you. But, DO NOT shut her out. If she can’t listen or handle something, set up a rule that she can tell you. Remember, she is there by choice because she loves you. You are not weak or any of that other mcaho crap we ALL feel about having PTSD. Actually it is usually smarter peoiple who seem to have it worse because they do so much intellectualizing and stuffing during a crisis. You know the type, those really strong guys like yourself, lol.
A medical evalustion to see if you need to take meds for a while to correct the chemical embalance that PTSD can cause ifs the very first thing you need to do. A counselor skilled in PTSD or one you trust is the second thing in order of importance. You didn’t do this to yourself, it was not your fault. You didn’t fail. You are not weak. If anything you are too strong. One more thing. Take a lunch bag and fold it up and keep it in your back pocket. When you feel like you can’t breathe, go into the bathroom and breathe in and out into the bag a few times. The NORMAL anxiety that accompanies PTSD makes you hyperventilate at times. You need a little more carbon dioxide in your body instead of all that oxygen you’rer sucking in.
I hope you find some of this helpful. If it upsets you tread my post, I will not be offenfed if you delete my post.
Take care and God Bless. If you or Ms. AS need anything have a question, email me. I do not mind.
A.S.—I honor your service and am sorry you are going through a tough time.
My thank you to you is a promise to never,ever,ever, take my freedoms for granted again.
Prayers everyday for your healing.
Devildog - I appreciare all that you wrote and will consider some of your suggestions.
A S, God makes special people to do different things according to their capabilites, stand tall…you oue no one any explainations ! Know that you are prayed for and loved by many 24/7.
If writing is to slow, how about a tape recorder, to be transcribed later? And possibly to share with others whenever………..
Love, hugs, & prayers suround you.
Nothing I say will help to heal the wounds or fade the memories, but please know that I wish you and yours all the very best and hope that one day you are able to recover from this — if even a little.
My fear is that my husband will be going through this very soon (he’s currently over there) as well and I appreciate your perspective more than you can know.
Take care and thank you.
AS - Thank you. I hope one helps. If nine do at least they give you ideas of what typrs of things you will need to help you. You’re going to be ok. I have been at this over 30 years. But my cause was very different so don’t llet that figure scare you. There was a great post here from a lady “on the other side.” That’s the most important thing you need from others, hope and empathy.
I am proud to know you and forever greatful for men such as yourself and people such as your wife. You are the backbone of AMERICA.
All above have said what I would say and much much more. (except Todd)
Just want you to know that this Mom’s prayers are always include you and your amazing wife. (and Moms’ prayers are definitely heavy duty!) ;o) {{{hugs}}}
What great advice everybody has given. I am sure there are others that are reading this that can use this advice.
I know someone who is really suffering from this and the trouble is he doesn’t think he has a problem and won’t get help. This is so sad to watch. So it seems you are headed in the right direction.
Don’t be afraid to try some medications for awhile, they have made some great advances in that area.
As always you and your family are in our prayers and we are forever grateful.
AS, everyone has given their words and prayers. We care about you. Hopefully some of the advice will help. You know we are here if you need to vent, scream or laugh. Wish I had some quick fix for you. Lets hope Yankeemom is correct when she said: “Moms’ prayers are definitely heavy duty”, Cuse you have plenty of Mom’s praying for you.
Take care my friend,
~K.
Maybe Todd thinks you and your whole blog are full of shit. Why such anonymity? How come we never hear from people who served with you? How is it possible for you to think you would get a platoon sergeant slot and end up in a sniper slot? How is it that your interviews never magically make it anywhere, how come your book was pulled? was it because the fact check never panned out? How come your pictures have been found elsewhere on the internet, supposedly belonging to other people? Why won’t you share what your injuries were? Why would you call BS on a 13 month deployment? See my IP, AS? Yeah. Why should I share what unit I was in with you when you won’t share who you were with, or where you were?
as for the IED and having never faced it or been affected by one, shall scan the copy of my Purple Heart and email it to you? Why don’t you show us one of yours, you can block out your name?
and how surprising my comments are now moderated. wouldn’t want any of your ‘fans’ to get suspicious, now, would we?
Todd,
Suspicious of what? Please enlighten us all. It’s not a matter of ‘fans’, it’s a matter of you are an asshole! Now don’t feel special because you are now a member of the small group of recipients for the ‘Asshat Club’, but just know it’s a token from me. So, beceom vetted, what unit were you with? Let’s call bullshit on the man who wants to put down another soldier when he is hurt.
Yep Todd,
This proud “fan” calls bullshit on you. Your posts reek of jealousy and pettiness. Can’t imagine why you are having trouble finding “fans” of your own. Get some help Todd.
Take care AS.
Donna
AS,
I’m so sorry that you are forced to go through this. Like many have said here, you are in my prayers as well and your family!
I do hope that you will feel better soon! I’m sure that it will take time and perserverance but you are a strong person and a great man and I know that you will come out of this soon with God’s help of course.
Take good care of yourself and this might sound corny but I do “thank you” so much for serving our country so well. If it weren’t for guys like you, where would our country be!
God Bless You and your family!
P.S. Don’t pay any attention to guys like Todd, like you said, he hasn’t experienced what you have been through!
Todd - I understand your suspicion. Allow me to vouch for AS. I’ve been working with him through most of that stuff.
I have a younger brother in the sandbox, and he’s been busted over and over again… even an art 15… just cos of his damn blog.
So you also need to understand why AS needs to keep his anonymity, and know that we’re on the same side.
Dear Todd,
Great job, You’ve exposed a fake!! Fairly plain to any lesser applied individual, IT”S REAL!! Read it again, not even the best writers can be that real. Call me stupid.
AS: Dude, always remember you are not alone. I’d be honored to stand next top you any day!…”Salute”
The other day I was driving behind a nice car that had “Tarawa Vet” license plates. As I pulled along side I saw a healthy looking man in his 80’s it appeared. Having read about that battle (one of the bloodiest) and all the others of the south pacific I wondered what this man had gone through. I didn’t get a chance to give him a wave and a salute before he was gone in traffic. He is obviously proud of his war service and is living his life after all these years. AS, you answered the call just like he did, you put your life on the line just like he did and I thank you both equally. You belong to an elite crowd, true American Hero’s. I’m sure he has his nightmares but he looked fine now. You will get better over time, you are not alone! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
Hey AS.. just wanted to let you know it is 0100 and I can’t sleep because I am worrying sick about a dear friend in A-Stan for his 5th time. And I have to get up @ 0500. So you aren’t alone. Try getting angry at the people that cause all the sh** going on, you certainly have the right to be angry and being angry is tiring..may help you sleep.
And don’t worry about Todd we are still your “fans”
The cost of this war can not be measured only in terms of dollars but the true cost in human blood, pain and suffering. The most recent news on this matter is shown in the following link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12428185/
I hope that it is not papered over or buried in the sand for political purposes. Any war is tragic even for the victors but the noise and rhetoric to justify this war has left all of us wondering if it is worth the price we are paying for.
Hi AS,
As all who have been in combat, you have had to face horror and fear which no man or woman should face. Countless millions of soldiers have done this, and then had to cope with the after effects. Each has found his own way (or not). Many returning from WWII, Korea and Viet Nam simply withdrew into themselves—never speaking of their pain.
I do not know the solution, but my gut instinct is that you must not withdraw. Talk/write to your brothers-in-arms; avail yourself of any counseling that is offered; continue to write your milblog. It really does help to “talk it out”.
You have made this sacrifice so that the rest of us have a greater chance that we will not have to cope with this horror at home. Take comfort from that knowledge. Trust in yourself and appreciate your wife and home. When you wake up at zero dark hundred, think of those good things in your life that we take for granted. That can help to banish the demons.
I live in NYC where for the last four and a half years everytime I hear sirens I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that the responders are responding to an attack. Everytime I hear those sirens I am reminded of what we are fighting for and the price we pay. These sirens also remind me to Never Forget. What I fear most in myself is if I were to hear those sirens but felt comfortably numb.
Most of all, these sirens alert me to the reality that there are American soldiers who have sacrificed themselves so that I may sleep peacefully at night. For your efforts American Soldier I will always watch your back. We are in this together.
I appreciate all the support you all have given me.
A guy like this Todd is an unfortunate display of what the small minority of soldier’s can be like. He lacks attention so he lashes out. The cry for ‘mommy give me attention’ aspect. I’ve had maybe 1 or 2 others in the entire time of this blog. I am more inclined to believe that Todd never served where he did. Soldier’s typically don’t go around bashing other soldier’s period.
So this is the last time I am commenting or even given Todd any attention I would ask you all to do the same.
Todd - I fully expect you to keep coming back over and over, heck you are proabably going to be my biggest fan now.
Good Day!
Hi AS, i would first like to thank you for all that you and our other soldiers have done for our country ” THANK YOU ” and may “GOD BLESS YOU ALL” thank you can never be enough i don’t think any words can be enough. i can never begin to understand what you are going thru but i will pray for you to get thru this and HE will see you thru you have to trust in him and turn it all over to the good LORD. have you ever heard of the “golden key” that you give it all to GOD and you forget about it. which i know is easier said then done but it works i have been thru some bad times (nothing compared to you) and it works. i probably sound dumb on here but i don’t care i just feel you and your families pain and i just have so much trust in the good LORD !!!! i wish you all only the very best and as for Todd if he has to be so childish and immature about you having a “FAN CLUB” then that shows he must of suffered some kind of injuries maybe brain damage along with jealousy. to stoop as low as to critize you or any soldier who served to protect our country and people . if he feels he didn’t suffer any ptsd instead of trying to support a fellow soldier maybe he should get down on his knees and be thankful that he doesn’t or better yet maybe re-enlist and go to the places where there is so much trauma and get a view of it first hand . such ignorance todd on your part but then there are people who have no HEART , or compassion. i will pray for you todd as well for your childish ignorance. i thank you again AS and will get everyone to pray for you. hold your head high and be proud for all that you did for us all even for todd .lol todd, you say you served time there i don’t know but something tells me it’s probably not so cause i have many friends and know several people who have loved ones there and i even had 2 very close people who have gotten killed in iraq and not 1 not a one has ever said a bad word about a fellow soldier or ever condemed them for their problems they suffer it’s amazing that you and you alone can be so rude and ignorant and if by chance you truly did serve 13 months then i am forever grateful that you are now home and not protecting us cause maybe you wouldn’t care about what happens to the other guys in your troops that you are to be trying to cover their backs as well as them covering your back they evidently did their job of covering your butt but can you honestly say you tried hard to cover theirs????? i can only hope so!! nobody that is so heartless should serve our country . AS my thoughts and prayers are with you always and you remember hold that head high cause you have alot to be proud of and you will overcome this i also pray that you have a good wife (and i already know that she is a good person) who will hold you and help you thru all this that is part of the vow ” FOR BETTER OR WORSE” it will all work out take care and GOD bless you and your family love, kat
My comment is so buried in this chain of support, I will be surprised if AS even finds it to read. If he does then I am honored for the attention of one who did not return from Iraq wrapped in our flag.
I am reminded of the stories told of my father when he returned from WW2. He was an air crew chief aboard a B-17 and became a member of the Lucky Bastard’s Club: he flew 35 missions over Europe in the 8th Army Air Corps. His sister remembers a time when he was sitting in the living room of her house when somewhere a screen door slammed shut. You know the kind — a door covered with a screen mesh to keep the bugs out but let the air pass thru, it has a big spring attached to it to keep it closed when not open. Well, some family member either came into the house or left it and the door closed with that distinctive noise. Before the sound of that slam finished playing itself out, my dad was face down on the living room floor trying to dig a hole in the hardwood to avoid the shrapnel. But there was no shrapnel. Only the sound of the closing door.
Since I was 5 years away from even being a glimmer in his eye, this is how my Aunt told it to me from way back then. To put it simply, Dad was a mess. And like so many of his crewmates and colleagues that came home from the war alive, he brought combat home with him. He just couldn’t help it. For the longest time he relived the near misses on his airplane and the tragedy of his buddies in the other ships getting shot down but not him. The survivors guilt must have been overwhelming. And the nightmares.
When I was growing up, my mom told me on more than one occasion not to ask Dad any questions about the war. His response might have been a little violent. I didn’t know any better. Once like the little childish idiot I was back then, I took a red magic marker (indelible back then) and drew swastikas on the backs of my hands. As soon as Mom saw my hands she grabbed one of my ears and paraded me into the bathroom with a hand brush and told me not to come out of there until the marks were off my hands. I was in there for almost 90 minutes until I was cleaned up enough to come out. For that act of self-punishment I am probably alive today. No telling what might have happened if Dad had seen what I had done.
So my natural curiosity of what my dad did during a very important time in our nations’s history became a lifelong quest to satisfy that curiosity with reading absolutely everything I could get my hands on about that time. It wasn’t until Dad’s final years with us that he finally opened up and became something of the sweet and kind man that my Mom married in 1948. In many ways he was still a cantankerous old fart, but to his friends he was as rock solid as a diamond.
Dad has been gone from us for about 12 years now. All I have are the memories, the life lessons he taught me by his, and the name of his ship that brought him back safely by which I honor him. The Floose never made it home; it was destroyed in a wheels-up emergency landing in Molesworth England some time after my Dad and his crew had returned home.
So AS, what does all this have to do with you? Everything!
Absolutely. Everything.
For you the cauldron of combat continues for the time being. No man can completely leave it behind, especially when he has lost buddies or has himself been wounded. “Why was I spared?” — a common question, but one asked nonetheless. There is a very simple reason why you, sir, were spared: you like so many before you have stories to tell and those of us who were not priviledged to stand with you want to hear them. Your story in all its gory detail needs to be told. We thirst for it. But we also know that now is not the time or even the place to tell it. Due to the wonders of the Internet and the blogging that has naturally come out of it, you have established a forum for which, as you can see, you are receiving an enormous response. Your forum is before you and we your patient and loyal readers are ready to hear from you when you are damn good and ready to tell us the stories.
Thing is, it’s going to take time. Lots of time. Might even be years for all we know. But that’s okay. We are patient. We will wait for you. Now is not the time to hear from you because you aren’t ready yet. Time has not had a chance to perform its healing magic on you, your body and your family. The gremlins have not yet spent their fury on you, but they are less finite than you are. Over time they will realize that you are too resilient to let them destroy you. They will eventually leave you and then you can heal.
If your better half is as good as mine is, then you are in very, very good hands, my friend. She knows what you are really made of even during the times when you yourself are forgetful and have to wrestle with those damn gremlins at 2am while she sleeps.
So when those gremlins come to visit at night, throw them a curve and demand from them their best shot. They are only for the present time.
I have a son who is aboard the USS Nassau which is returning the 22nd MEU (SOC) from Iraq as we speak. He is due to dock at Morehead City, NC on Wednesday 3 May. As grateful as I am that he is coming home, I also extend to you my gratitude for a job well done. During your next time of nightmares and darkness, remember your suffering is temporary and that you are surrounded by a cloud of grateful support.
Respectfully Submitted,
Dave Matthews
Atlanta, GA
aka The FlooseMan
{{{{AS}}}} Great advice from everyone. You are going to be o.k. because you are reaching out. Talk as much and as often as you need to! In time you will come to terms with it, and find coping mechanisms that are healthy.
Most of all, know you are not alone in this, and seek comfort and help from others who have been there. You WILL find your way.
Being in the crucible is painful, but it will temper you too. I fully expect you will come out of this a stronger person. Not that you were lacking before, but experiences like this tend to deepen those fine qualities you had, and add new ones that will strengthen you like tempered steel. Let your wife be the water to quench your heat and cool you. She is just as much a part of this as you and needs you just as much.
Dear Todd, again,
Who said I wasn’t a real soldier? GW1, Marine Recon!! Who said real soldiers do not read this? 86-92 proudly, like AS.
Are you having fun getting the attention?
Mr. A.S. I just can’t express enough thanks to you and those men like you that are serving our country. Also, you and your fellow Milibloggers are just incredible not only working and doing a job but in addition taking on extra work to get the message out to the world about what is going on in the world and with the military. I took some time this morning to listen in and observe what you and the other milibloggers had to say during the conference.
I for one will remember you, your wife, and family in my prayers for the rest of my life.
God Bless You!
Wish there was something anyone could do for you. We all thank you for what you did, but none of us really know what it is like over there. I hope that eventually you can get back to a little bit of normalcy. It does take time no matter how hard that is to hear, but I am still praying for you.
Followed a link from Urban Grounds here. First, thank you for protecting us. Thank you for making it possible for me to enjoy this beautiful day.
Reading your post, I identified with you in a different way. My husband died suddenly 3 years ago from a heart attack and I think people who lose a loved one go through a post traumatic stress period also. When I look back, I know there were periods of time I had no control of my emotions. I was locked in a world of loss, of sorrow, of anger. I remember a couple of times lashing out at my own grown daughter challenging that her grief couldn’t possibly be as deep as mine, that my grief somehow just had to be worse because how could anyone possibly feel any worse and she had a husband to fall back on that I didn’t have anymore? I know that was horrible.. Thankfully, love overcame all and she forgave me.
The bottom line is that what you are experiencing is personal to you. It’s your fear, it’s your anger, it’s your trauma and no one, not even those who love you can understand it the way you do. Recognize that, accept it, and then fall down on your knees and beg God to take the pain away and He will. I promise you, He will. He spoke to me through a dream which my dear sweet daughter made me understand and from that point on, things started to get a little better day by day.
And once again, thank you.
I know you must get alot of comments and I hope that you enjoy reading them. In case you do, I felt inspired to write. My name is Sarah. Im a sophmore in high school. I read some of your blog and I just wished I could say thankyou for all you do for us. I dont know how to say that in a way that actually means something but I hope it does. You are a hero to me. I admire your courage and bravery. I hope that this comment will, if only for a second, encourage you or make your day the slightest bit better. I understand that it probably will not but I figured it was worth a try.
May God bless you in all you day and grant you peace.
Sincerely,
Sarah Ward
AS please know that for each of us that write, there are a hundred more that support you. If you and your wife need anything, let me know. I also write to and support SF so I’m sure you can get further info if needed. Take care of yourself…please.
Yeah, ditto to what SK said. (and I write to SF too, LOL!).
Hang in there - hope you are doing OK. We’re with ya all the way.
I’ve read this guy’s book, http://www.killology.com/on_combat.htm, and it makes sense. If he’s right, the thing that will probably help more than counselors is talking with your fellow soldiers who have been in similar situations. I served my time, but never saw the elephant and so telling someone like me wouldn’t have the same effect as telling to and acceptance from someone who’s been there, done that.
Good luck and thank you for your service.
I agree with you that “real” soldiers do not act like Todd, at least not s**tbags anyway. He’s just trying to get you in trouble by identifying yourself. Everyone knows that will get you in hot water, fast!
I think it’s awesome that you’re relieving your stress through your blog. It takes a lot to seek help. I know there is help out there, its just going to take time. I think you and every other soldier should hold your head high and know that you are the reason we have our rights.
Thank you for defending this wonderful nation without hatred and regret!
I myself am a soldier who has spent sometime over yonder. I know how you feel about the stressors of everyday life when you get. I have one question though, and that is to inquire about your job over there. I myself am a Blackhawk crew chief. hang in there, remember you not alone.
I can not imagine what you are dealing with, I found your blog today and already my heart and mind are filled with thought and prayers for you and your family.
It makes me realise how small my problems are and how brave and strong you are.
God Bless You
keep writing, keep sharing. thank you for that which you did while you were there. thank you for your sacrifices. i pray that peace will find you and that you will be able to rest again and sleep without nightmares invading your dreams. i hope that by sharing some of your thoughts and experiences you can be begin to heal emotionally. god bless.
Hey i just want to say thank you for all you have done for us….im so proud….im a high school student and im on my way to college…im studying in the crimminal justice field maybe that might help out this world…..i was in middle school like in the 8th grade when all this had happened and i didnt know what to do or to think….but now as i have gotten older now i understand it alot more….but ya’ll stay safe and everyone misses you back home….
You’re right. It’ll take time. Eventually, the “hitting the deck” reflex every time a firecracker goes off or a muffler backfires will go away. You won’t feel the need to sleep with a weapon. You’ll be able to get quality sleep for more than ten minutes at a time. In 3-10 months, you should be okay. Your senses will always kind of be on alert, though. Every time you go to a restaurant, every time you park your car, you’ll always find yourself scanning the crowd or passersby. That’s okay. It isn’t a bad thing.
Pretty soon, the worst part won’t be the fear. It’ll be the isolation. Coming back to civilian life is tough, and it takes time to get yourself down to a point where you can actually relate and really interact to people who didn’t go through what you did. It’s very tough, coming home. Just take it a day at a time and try to relax. Your brain has been on high alert for months. It can’t just switch modes at the drop of a hat. The good news is that you’ll find lots of people that you can relate to - war zone experience or not - and that feeling of isolation will fade away before you know it.
You’ll be okay.
Stay in shape, keep up the blog, and keep moving forward.
You’re far from alone, man. You’re one of thousands going through this. It sucks, but it just means you’re normal. (If you weren’t going through this, I’d be worried.)
You’re going to be fine.
Take good care of yourself and your family.
hiiiiiiiiii all uncle in U.S army , i’m toan , i’m eighteen old , i have like american soldiers , because i’m a Fan of american soldiers , i want to say with american soldiers . thank for all .
american soldiers are # 1. I have an older bro in Bagdh Iraq right now. I surely do miss him and love him. Keep supporting the troops that is all I say.
i was wondering if you could help me with something. i have adopted a soldier thru a program and i have sent him mail recently and have just had it returned to me saying that the address is unknown, i am very upset wondering if he is ok or moved or even possible dead. do you know if there is any site or a place where i can find out anything on him? i am very, very concerned if you could leave me an email or if anybody knows on here where i can get information would you please let me know. thank you for your time and thank you to all soldiers fighting for our country and may God forever be by yourside and watch over each of you forever and protect you always .thank you >>>kathy
Hello, I am a student and as I was reading this entry I was very moved. I have always wondered how life was after coming home from war, and this entry answered my questions. This post actually reminded me of a novel I read, which is called “A Rumor of War” by Philip Caputo, and his post-war experience is somewhat similar to your experience.
I am sorry you had to face those terrible encounters of coming home from the war. Not being able to sleep and having nightmares and worrying about things is horrible. I just hope you know that all your services and hardwork, sacraficing youre life for the country does matter to everyone. It is sad that you feel that your services to the country affected your life back home negatively.
I just want to thank you for being such an amazing soldier, and hope you continue making every american proud to live in this country because we have people like you to keep it safe.