11/1/2007
Gauntlet of thoughts
American Soldier says,
It’s been a while since I last wrote. I don’t know where to begin as far as catching up. I’ve been in a rut and really I don’t know how to get out of it. Lately I’ve had some consistent thoughts of the war. None are happy or even proud moments. When I first got back I tried to make sense of a lot of things and create a story about my experiences. In retrospect I can say that my optimism was sometimes masked by trying to make light of my situation. I wanted to just feel normal again. What is normal after all? My experience was my own and others may feel it wasn’t enough. I can neither agree nor concede that mindset. All I know is it is still here with me today.
The thoughts as of late are like mini clips from a movie. The images of smashing a door down and seeing the utter terror on peoples faces. The one Marine interpreter and the look on his face with an entry wound to the cheek and this massive exit wound to the back of head. That look haunts me. The night an Iraqi snuck up on an OP and was shot to shit. His intestines hanging out and the mumbling of words that I will never know what they meant. I could go on. The thoughts are eating at me. I try to put them out but they come back and replay in my head. I’ve tried talking to people about it, tried to write about it but it never leaves.
I often wish I was back in Iraq. Right where it all started. I often find myself scouring the internet for movie clips of my old AO. I fear that I will see the clip that nearly took mine and my soldier’s lives.
So this brings me back to why I stopped writing. There are people who don’t give a shit about what is going on over there. This site isn’t a story book to live vicarious in. These words are my experience and not a place where I need to write for anyone. I felt as if I was writing for an audience rather than just venting my emotions.
Another thing is it’s always a question of justification. It enrages me. I’ve spoken to people and once they know that I went to Iraq, they want to gauge my opinion and stance on it. I can feel their challenge and I try to make light of the situation. I am not the one who decided to send troops there. However, I will defend the cause in which I fought and nearly died for while over there. I just feel that this story that I began so long ago has nearly run its course. I don’t know what else I can say about it.
War is a motherfucker!
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12 Responses to “Gauntlet of thoughts”
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Please, please, please know you are loved and prayers are said for you and your family daily.
Web Reconnaissance for 11/02/2007…
A short recon of whats out there that might draw your attention, updated throughout the day…so check back often….
You bring issues that most of us have never had to deal with. What you describe, most of us have seen in movies, and somehow in the back of our mind, we know that those in these movies will survive. They will get up, dust themselves off and continue with life.
You present a view that is alien to many people. They have no idea of what it is like; though there are many out there who would be willing to do just about anything to help with the burden you carry.
No wonder many vets are more comfortable talking with other vets who have experienced similar experiences. I knew that your writing was trying to find an outlet for those experiences, and that there are many who are praying for you, and support you in what you have done and are there to support you know.
There are those in the world (and I have seen them) that do not care what happens in Iraq (or other parts of the world). These people are very self-centered and can not comprehend nor accept what the world is like. However, there are others (and many who respond on this site) who are very concerned about what is happening in the world, but also are very concerned about our vets when they return to the U.S.
For me, I will never demand a justification from you. You served and that is enough for me. You did something that many were either unwilling or unable to do. I have a friend, a British Paratrooper, who when 9-11 happened, tried to volunteer. He was turned down and was very disappointed with that.
My answer to this may sound a bit simple, and I may be criticized with my suggestion, but I will lay it out. I would start reading the Bible (probably the book of John), and find a good, Bible believing church. There is a man who can bring peace and quiet to you, and his name is Jesus. I know that many will consider this a cliche, but the truth is there and He can solve it all. I will continue to pray for you and your wife and family.
I am sure you have my email address. Don’t be afraid to use it.
AS
My only hope is that you find the peace of mind you so rightfully deserve. Your memories are horrific, your sacrifice is huge…and my gratitude to you for this will be eternal. Thank you AS, Thank you.
You and your words have helped me to understand my own convictions and stand by them. YOU and your brothers have also given me the right to do that and I proudly carry that freedom with me in my daily life. Thank you for that, also…
Hey AS.
I’ve been reading you for a long time, and had the pleasure of meeting you this spring. Anyone who has been around here for a while knows better than to believe you write for the glory or to give others a chance to live on the edge through your memories. This is a place for you to vent. A place for you to talk. It’s a place for you to remember both the good and bad that has happened. It may not resolve your PTSD, but I do believe that it’s helped. When you hold that shit in, it just festers and affects those who love you. I hope that whatever outlet you feel most comfortable with, you use it and use it a lot.
I have a secret blog, which doesn’t allow comments, and is registered under a name I tell no one about. It’s simply a place for me to “talk”, and not be talked back to. Sometimes, we just need someone to listen and NOT try to solve our problems, know what I mean?
Anyway… should you chose to keep writing here, I’ll keep listening. Hugs to you, your lovely wife, and the babies.
Hi,
My hubby is a disabled Vietnam Vet and because of that, I have grown to have a special place in my heart for veterans. Visiting the veterans hospital alone can do that as soldiers are a special breed of people!
Somehow I came across this site. My heart goes out to you as you obviously suffer with PTSD. I have not been to war or experienced the horrors you have seen, but I do have two diagnosed PTSD episodes from my own life experiences.
I feel compelled to tell you that your images may not leave you. Mine have not. At times I get up in the middle of the night and turn the TV on just to get them out of my mind.
I will be 55 in April, and my trauma began when I was five years old. You can see I am an experienced PTSD patient! I just want you to know that though your images may or may not leave you, the only way I have found peace is getting to know God. I don’t mean to preach, it is just a fact.
If you need to vent don’t hesitate to write me or my hubby! Let me know and I’ll get you his email too.
God bless you and thank you for your service.
yea… war is hell, and most (including myself) will never know the effects brought on.
No matter what public opinion, or justification of war, all you ever need to know is that you are a warrior that heeded the call with honor and dignity. Don’t let any worthless P.O.S. tell you otherwise.
Hope everything is good with the family!
AS,
I’m glad to see you writing again! I’m so sorry for the pain that you are enduring from the PTSD. No one knows what you are going through unless they have been there.
I agree with David and Kathy. God (Jesus) is there for you and he can help you so much. I’m like the others, I don’t mean to preach but just stating a fact. I always pray for you when I visit your blog as well as the other soldiers who are going through so much right now.
Thank you AS for serving our country so well! People should all appreciate you and your sacrifice for them and what you are still going through, all because you served for all of us! A million thanks if that helps you any, we are so grateful to you and to all of our military.
Take care and know that you are in all of our prayers!!
AS,
I have the utmost respect for your service. I can only hope that more people become serious about the issues you speak of and the long term affects of our war on terror. As for justification, You are the one who has to convince yourself that we as a nation and you as an individual are justified in our acts. As for me, I am convinced that we as a nation are justified in fighting terrorism. I believe this from a national citizen perspective, but more importantly from a christian spiritual perspective. If you are a christian there is justification throughout the scripture for killing the enemy. It has to be presented in correct context and unfortunately most pastors falsely portray the turn the other cheek docile doctrine of christianity. I recently have had my family pet poisoned by a neighbor, I have chosen to turn the other cheek when my sin nature makes me want to go next door and blow his head off with a twelve gauge shotgun. Most pastors do not teach the justice of God and how it relates to nationalism. If you are interested in learning more google R.B. Thieme, Jr. He has a ministry that teaches freedom through military victory. He was a colonel in WW2 and then become a theologian. It has helped many a veteran maintain their sanity, because all combat veterans concur that war is hell. Take care and know that your are in my prayers.
AS,
I have the utmost respect for your service. I can only hope that more people become serious about the issues you speak of and the long term affects of our war on terror. As for justification, You are the one who has to convince yourself that we as a nation and you as an individual are justified in our acts. As for me, I am convinced that we as a nation are justified in fighting terrorism. I believe this from a national citizen perspective, but more importantly from a christian spiritual perspective. If you are a christian there is justification throughout the scripture for killing the enemy. It has to be presented in correct context and unfortunately most pastors falsely portray the turn the other cheek docile doctrine of christianity. I recently have had my family pet poisoned by a neighbor, I have chosen to turn the other cheek when my sin nature makes me want to go next door and blow his head off with a twelve gauge shotgun. Most pastors do not teach the justice of God and how it relates to nationalism. If you are interested in learning more google R.B. Thieme, Jr. He has a ministry that teaches freedom through military victory. He was a colonel in WW2 and then become a theologian. It has helped many a veteran maintain their sanity, because all combat veterans concur that war is hell. Take care and know that your are in my prayers.
AS,
I sit here reading ur blog crying not because I lived a life through ur story but because I cant image the pain or horror u feel. Thank you for all u do and please remember u and all of the other American Soldiers are thought about and prayed for daily, not just today but forever. ~ Shelly
this is not the time to discuss why this war is still going on because we should all know how hard it is to make changes to factors affecting our lives. the purpose of this war, so i thought, is the freedom of the iraqi people, from dictatorship yes but mostly from fear. all you soldiers are collectively bringing about a change that is hundreds of years over due. from what i have seen this has been a slow process hence the continuation of the war. what i have not heard of in any of these blogs or else where is anyone giving themselves some time to mourn after losing so much.