Welcome to the real suck!

American Soldier says,

Where does one begin to recoup from a war? So many people say that by going to a counselor and talking about it that you will be ok.

“It’s going to take time.”

I cannot put it all into words. I am having trouble with normalcy. I try very hard to occupy myself. Heck I even got myself a few hobbies now. However, I feel out of place. I have flashbacks and can’t sleep at night. When I finally get to sleep I am immersed in a nightmare. The memory’s of the environment that nearly killed me more than once haunts me now that I am home and safe. The nights are the worst for me. I am alone and who can I really talk to when its 2am and I’m wide awake? I mean I could wake my wife up but it’s not fair to her if I did this every night. So I just waste away afraid to go to sleep.

What in the hell did I do to deserve this? I nearly died for my country and I’m left to endure this post traumatic stress disorder. I am stronger than this but I cannot defeat it, there is not operation order for this.

Some of the things that suck are as simple as leaving my house. Why? I feel like I might get blown apart from an incoming mortar round. All stemming from when I was in Iraq and the constant incoming we would receive. Going to take a shower was dangerous. And yes, people did get killed while taking showers from incoming.

I wrote the following song not long after I got there. It was written just after a mission and while we were receiving incoming. I found out later that someone was killed after the barrage. This was for my wife.

As I sit to write this letter

• I just settled in from a day of missions
• I lay my weapon down and incoming comes in
• The distinguished sound of the thud
• That one was to close to call
• I take off my gear and sit on down
• I pick up my pen to write you a letter

As I sit to write this

• The incoming is all around
• The outgoing begins its barrage
• Oh the distinguished sound of our counter fire

I wish I could hold you close

• You are my inspiration, you keep me going
• Any moment that incoming could be closer than before
• I close my eyes and think of the sound of your voice
• Rather than the boom that just landed near

As I sit to write this

• The incoming is all around
• The outgoing continues its barrage
• Oh the distinguished sound of our counter fire

Now the order for us to go is given

• I put my gear back on and grab my weapon
• Everyone gives that look of reassurance
• I get in my vehicle and its another day in this war

All this as I sit and write this letter

• No different than before
• Except this letter that I intended
• Just ends with a little more

I am 7000 miles away from the war and I have fears of something that will not happen. My mind seems to think otherwise. I keep looking for that IED on the side of the road. I hear noises and I get the rush of adrenaline. Crowded areas get me anxious and I can’t be close to people. I don’t want people to come near me. I know that if I get angry that I might kick it up a notch so I avoid ALL conflicts as much as possible.

All of this a result of doing what I did for our country. I wish I could just forget it all but that would be a disservice to all that I served with and lost while there. Now for once, I am feeling a bit defeated. I am nearing a rough and hard point in this process.

I want to write about all that happened but I just don’t know how to formulate the words. How can I begin to describe it? Time will only tell and that is the kicker, time is all I got.